I've stolen a lot. Let me think about the best thing I've stolen. Stolen a lot of hearts.

Bigfoot loves celebrities. You just have to bring celebrities that Bigfoot loves. It would probably be just gorgeous women.

I would host a show where I take famous people out into the woods every week to find Bigfoot. I would do that. And you know what? We would find him in like a week.

When you're expecting a baby, there's a lot you can plan for, but when it happens early you just have to jump into it. Whatever plans you had, everything goes out the window.

You know the awkward class photo when you're sitting there for your school picture and you're 14 or something and you've got braces, and you don't know how to smile, and you've got a hard-on.

One of the coolest things was that, in 2007, I got to go to Iraq with Rob Riggle, Paul Scheer, and Horatio Sanz. We went over there to do some comedy shows with the U.S.O.

Most monuments are not something you're going to keep me out of. And I go to a lot of monuments.

People always say, "When did you know you were funny?" They don't mean that in a bad way - this already makes me sound like such a jerk.

I've seen Jaws [movie], like, 800 times. And I love it.

That's a weird way to torture yourself. Just watch a movie, over and over, that you hate. That's really funny - that's probably exactly what hell is like.

Don't ever use duct tape on your privates. That's what I always tell people.

Well, I’d rather be unhappy than have the sort of false, lying happiness you were having here.

The law isn't merciful.

Consumers have not been told effectively enough that they have huge power and that purchasing and shopping involve a moral choice.

Younger players in this music often turn out to be middle aged; it is not a young music.

I would like to mention that a couple days ago Senator Obama was out in Ohio and he had an encounter with a guy who's a plumber, his name is Joe Wurzelbacher.

She fell asleep, and it was a sleep as thin as the night clouds, dotted with dreams that came and went like the stars.

You may as well quit reading and hearing the Word of God, and give it to the devil, if you do not desire to live according to it.

Marriage was all a woman's idea and for man's acceptance of the pretty yoke, it becomes us to be grateful.

War is worthless except for ending slavery, Nazism, fascism, and communism. Other than that, war is pointless.

Being afraid something is true is accepting the possibility. Accepting the possibility is the first step to believing.