I vote Democrat because I'm not concerned about millions of babies being aborted so long as we keep all death row inmates alive and comfy.

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

You could make me say it again, " he whispered. "Make me say it always. Make me say it so often that you never have cause to doubt. I love you.

I was going to buy a copy of The Power of Positive Thinking, and then I thought: What the hell good would that do?

This is why I keep telling Ash to get you a cat or a bird. Guns aren't proper pets.

Why Are Terrorists into Piracy? Well, they are movie buffs too!

Emotionally intelligent people know how to light their own fire to sustain their activities to accomplish your goals.

I ain't got an original thought in my head. If it ain't got the scent of divinity to it, I ain't interested in it

I hope God speaks English. If I get up to heaven and have to point at a menu, I'm gonna be pissed.

Ewan McGregor and I had very similar first-time light sabre experiences. We both burned ourselves! These things are hot - they're full of batteries!

As Gandhi famously responded when asked about "Western civilization," "I wish they had one," the same applies to "international community": "I wish there was one."

Obviously, everybody wants to see Tiger [Woods] come back, but I think it's in a really good place with how much talent is out there and the exciting finishes you have, week in, week out.