I vote for whoever will annoy my dad.

This sausage roll only contains 2% of your daily intake of calories... if you lick it.

I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid.

I've never laughed a woman into bed, but I've laughed one out of bed many times.

I want to write a film. I need to think of the right idea and focus on that; I love writing.

I hope people think of me as a bit older. I do have a beard. That makes me look very old.

I think people respect honesty rather than hiding it.

I love Downton Abbey. It's just great. My mother giving birth to me was just like Lady Sybil giving birth, except that there wasn't such a tragic ending.

Oh, you wanna do a little bit of roleplay? Could you just play dead?

For the first six months of my stand-up career, I was talking like Danny Dyer. I was doing a lot of 'alright guvnors?' It wasn't true to who I was.

I only got into comedy to get laid

But that slip of paper wouldn't disappear, ever, and neither would the image of his prostrate wife, and neither would the thought that if he could, it might greatly improve his life to end it.

If everyone loves you, maybe you don't need so many tanks.

Now, settle down, settle down. Hell, I'm an old man, it's early in the morning and I'm gathering my thoughts here.

In Europe art has to a large degree taken the place of religion. In America it seems rather to be science.

I don't think fame changes people. People change as they gather more experiences and information about life.

It's a shame that people are resisting vetting programs that would actually just keep out those who want to do us harm.

If we could let go of our faith in money, who knows what we might put in its place?

I despise simplicity. It is the negation of all that is beautiful.

God . . . endowed [the human race] with capacity to attain to the inaccessible and invisible Supreme Good and behold it face to face . . .

I wanted to be a citizen of the world but not in a superficial way.