I wanna get a little drunk, but I also want some pancakes.

Pre-mature ejaculation. Let's talk about it. Premature ejaculation. That's a pretty fancy term for, "Ooooooh Oh no. This has never happened before."

My gym has two-pound weights. If you're using two-pound weights, how did you even open the door to the gym? What's your dream? To pump up and open your mail?

Yeah, I know, some people are against drunk driving, and I call those people 'the cops.' But you know, sometimes, you've just got no choice; those kids gotta get to school!

Let's say you're in a situation where crystal meth can help you. Like, I don't know, you have too many teeth.

Remember when you're young and you think your dad is Superman? And then you grow up and realized he's just a drunk who wears a cape.

Don't get me wrong, I like to cuddle. But there is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can't get away.

What's the two things they tell you are healthiest to eat? Chicken and fish. You know what you should do? Combine them, eat a penguin.

Women have all the power because women have all the vaginas.

You know, men and women are a lot alike in certain situations. Like when they're both on fire - they're exactly alike.

You ever make fun of someone so much, you think you should thank them for all the good times you've had?

History belongs to the dead... Discovery belongs to the Living.(Professor Alistair Dawkins)

The time will come when the Negro in the South will be accorded all the political rights which his ability, character, and material possessions entitle him to.

Let every man feel that he is the architect and builder of his own life, and that he proposes to make a success of it by working.

I wanted to rub the human race in its own vomit, and force it to look in the mirror.

I took Jujitsu for four years, which has no striking. My dad had me in Taekwondo when I was a kid, but I didn't retain much of that.

Certainty is the mother of repose, and therefore the common law aims at certainty.

Will none wipe the sneer off the face of the cosmos?

Judgment of the people in the situation is not helpful. How can you help them is the question.

I recall the first time my agent told me to wear clothes specifically chosen for me, I would try and find excuses not to do it.

I'm the kind of person who does not remember bad things.