I want a sandwich named after me.

You can truly grieve for every officer who's been lost in the line of duty in this country, and still be troubled by cases of police overreach.

I celebrated Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.

There are a hell of a lot of jobs that are scarier than live comedy. Like standing in the operating room when a guy's heart stops, and you're the one who has to fix it!

We have it. The smoking gun. The evidence. The potential weapon of mass destruction we have been looking for as our pretext of invading Iraq. There's just one problem - it's in North Korea.

Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.

I've always liked Atlanta. And not just for the strip clubs, but the shopping and the food.

Yes, reason has been a part of organized religion, ever since two nudists took dietary advice from a talking snake.

I really like to put my name on everything, so my roommate doesn't steal it. It's really a throwback to that.

I'm too short to host a late-night talk show. It's like the bar at an amusement-park ride. You have to be six foot two or over.

If your regime is not strong enough to handle a joke, then you don't have a regime.

Even in Sri Lanka, the worst only happened in my imagination, I'd say, and this is so because we live on a planet where good people outnumber bad.

Don't rush to fellowship at the church, temple or mosque if you don't do so at the house - first. "Charity begins at home".

At any Maroon 5 concert, you'll see a room backstage marked 'yoga.'

When I watch 'Breaking Bad,' my stomach is in knots.

A prototype is a question embodied

Remember, if people talk about you behind your back, it only means you are two steps ahead of them.

What is important is to win.

Few gynecologists recommend to their heterosexual patients the most foolpoof of solutions, namely, misterectomy.

Make as many friends as you can, but don't build your life on them alone. It's an unstable foundation.

All of us, consciously or unconsciously, set out to have the best possible love life. Valentine's Day simply shines a light on the degree to which that didn't - or hasn't yet - materialized.