I want to be known as a funny comic not just a funny Latino comic. I want to be able to go everywhere and anywhere.

I don't want to die tomorrow knowing I could've had a piece of cake tonight.

There's 5 levels of fatness! Fluffy is one of the levels. There's big, healthy, husky, fluffy and damn.

Why do people measure life by the years instead of how good the years were?

I drink diet coke so I can eat regular cake.

Me racist? The only race I hate is the one you have to run.

Life is measured by how you lived it, not by the years.

With all the classes they offer at school, how come they don't have one for common sense?

When you go to Hawaii, it's all about "Aloha." It means hello, goodbye and I love you.

You live by the cake, you die by the cake.

I had to travel half way across the world to be called an American.

If there is wrong [ill] on the inside, the outside will appear wrong. Therefore, you should inquire within ‘why am I bothered, when others are not? So there must be wrong within me only.

All good that we do is just for you.

The one thing that does happen, every time, though, is that I never get to write a book until I've already been thinking about it for a period of months to years.

I had written a script called "Freed," which I had wanted to direct.

Victoria heard across the wedding reception dance floor "You're loveable"!

Poverty and pride are devoted blood brothers until one, always and inevitably, kills the other.

You can listen to what everybody says, but the fact remains that you've got to get out there and do the thing yourself.

I think he [Sir Alex Ferguson] may have even surpassed the achievements of Matt Busby for Manchester United.

There's some evidence that before events of mass trauma, even unpredictable ones, people begin to feel higher anxiety, often expressed in terms specific to the event.

The crowns of kings do not prevent those who wear them from being tormented sometimes by violent headaches.