I want to believe in intelligent design, and hence I am suspicious of anything that seems to confirm my desire to believe.

We always ask where the time went. We never ask where it's coming from.

I’ll feel that horrible feeling in my stomach you get when you’ve gone over to the Dark Side. But I’ll be fine. That’s the good thing about the Dark Side. Eventually, your eyes adjust.

Genius flames and dies, but amiable competence can live forever.

The newspaper is a lecture. The Web is a conversation.

I don't believe in the very concept of "first thing in the morning." I'm a "third thing in the afternoon" fellow.

Calculus destroys self-esteem on contact.

If Mother had to be told not to shove the entire brick of Ivory up Junior's hindquarters, constipation is the least of his problems.

There are three stages to a man's life. 1. He laughs at Clark Griswold. 2. He sympathizes deeply with Clark Griswold. 3. He laughs at Clark Griswold.

All you need to know about Arafat was that he insisted on wearing a pistol when he addressed the UN General Assembly. And all you need to know about the UN, I suppose, is that they let him.

When your opponent sets up a straw man, set it on fire and kick the cinders around the stage. Don't worry about losing the Strawperson- American community vote.

I believe America has gone a long way down the wrong road. If we ever needed God’s help, it is now.

The world becomes so much larger the smaller you live.

I'm the man that made wrestling famous.

Words without deeds are worthless.

"Things have a life of their own," the gypsy proclaimed with a harsh accent. "It's simply a matter of waking up their souls."

The suffering may be moral or physical; and in my opinion it is just as absurd to call a man a coward who destroys himself, as to call a man a coward who dies of a malignant fever.

To be conscious of gratitude is to acknowledge a gift.

The defence of democracy must consist in making anti-democratic experiences too costly for those who try them; much more costly than a democratic compromise

Beautiful is dangerous.

Peter also uses his wig as a cereal bowl... He'll some times have some, like, Top Ramen in it.