I want to do well and I want to fit in.

Everyone should have kids. They are the greatest joy in the world. But they are also terrorists. You'll realize this as soon as they are born and they start using sleep deprivation to break you.

Having children is like living in a frat house - nobody sleeps, everything's broken, and there's a lot of throwing up.

That's when you know you're a true married couple: when you have to apologize for what you did in her dream.

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

Identical twins. I'm glad they're identical 'cause you save money on photographs. That's what I like. Yeah. Here's my little boy. I got another one just like it.

I married a saint - well, a saint who curses.

People think living in your parents' basement until you're twenty-nine is lame. But what they don't realize is that while you're there, you save money on rent, food, and dates.

If my father had hugged me even once, I'd be an accountant right now.

For the sake of your marriage, get a king-size bed. And if you really want to stay married, get two.

I'd rather be in Las Vegas 104 degrees than New York 90 degrees, you know why? Legalized prostitution. In any weather that takes the edge off.

Do your work with your whole heart, and you will succeed - there's so little competition.

I always let other people describe me because if I describe myself you will not understand.

Farming looks mighty easy when your plow is a pencil and you're a thousand miles from the corn field.

Do not be fooled into believing that because a man is rich he is necessarily smart. There is ample proof to the contrary.

We can all be geniuses because one definition of genius is the infinite capacity for taking pains.

Tyranny is the political corollary of socialism, as representative government is the political corollary of the market economy.

The screech-owl, with ill-boding cry, Portends strange things, old women say; Stops every fool that passes by, And frights the school-boy from his play.

If I was any more pleased with you, I would lose what little remains of my sanity.

As we grow older, the world becomes stranger, the pattern more complicated of dead and living.