I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er".

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

She was just so sad. Her whole face hung with it, like sadness was her personal gravity.

Sometimes it's only the young ones who are crazy enough to change the world.

Do we have the right to rear animals in order to kill them so that we may feed appetites in which we have been artificially conditioned from childhood?

Think well. Speak well. Do well. These three things, through the mercy of God, will make a man go to Heaven.

People who publish poetry today do it from a sense that poetry needs to be published, not because they think they are going to make money.

Cellular phones will absolutely not replace local wire systems.

I don't see a future in music unless you are one of the 5pc of massive artists.

Elegance is accepted and admired because it makes no effort to be elegant.

I get to do the most amazing things. We call it Host in Peril quite often, because people love to see me risk my life or be in danger.

Ask what Time is, it is nothing else but something of eternal duration become finite, measurable and transitory.