I want to just at least make it weird for you to watch Cosby Show reruns.

I never use a napkin on my lap at a restaurant...because I believe in myself.

When people go through something rough in life, they say, "I'm taking it one day at a time." Yes, so is everybody. Because that's how time works.

I like burritos more than Jesus because steak burritos are delicious. And they're real.

I applied for a job at Starbucks. One of the questions was, 'Why do you want to work at Starbucks?' Uh, because my life is in shambles.

I have weird aspirations. Like, I really want to kick a pigeon.

Don't thank the lord, I gave you that compliment... Thank me.

My nephew's always crying. I'm like, 'Dude, why are you crying? Your life is great. All you do is eat apple sauce and take dumps. That's your day.

I don't want to die before Will Smith 'cause then I miss that awesome 'Fresh Prince of Bel-Air' marathon.

Acting is fun; it's easier than writing, and if you get on a [TV] show, it draws people to your stand-up. That's ultimately what I'd like to do.

There have been times I've been out, and my phone battery is at nine percent, and I was like, 'Time to go home.'

You're supposed to say, 'All I want is your happiness. I'll do whatever it takes, even if it means being without you.'""Sorry, " Noah said. "I'm just not that big of a person.

We’re wasting our time trying to deal with Baghdad, It’s better to call for independence today.

Although I love the taste of Nutrageous bars, I am nutraged at their new, high price.

The coach doesn't have to play the sport as well as you do. They have to watch you and get you to be your best.

You are able to monitor and police your standards of quality once you have defined them.

I truly believe that God provides.

If you look at the world the same way when you're 50 that you did when you were 20, then you wasted 30 years.

Loving a baby is a circular business, a kind of feedback loop. The more you give the more you get and the more you get the more you feel like giving.

I'm gonna give all I've got to giveCross my heart, and I hope to live.

Against the charitable gesture there is no defence.