I want to launch a globe into space just to mess with the astronauts.

I bought a cactus. A week later it died. And I got depressed, because I thought, Damn. I am less nurturing than a desert.

How fast does a zebra have to run before it looks gray.

I wear dark sunglasses when I want my head to look more like a limousine.

The clothes make the man. The children working in sweatshops make the clothes. Therefore, the children working in sweatshops make the man.

A lot of people like lollipops. I don't like lollipops. To me, a lollipop is hard candy plus garbage. I don't need a handle. Just give me the candy.

Earrings are the same as sneezes: Two is okay, but ten in a row is annoying. If you have two then, God bless you.

The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive.

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

In mystical terms, the law of attraction specifies that you will attract to yourself those experiences that match your beliefs.

The trick is growing up without growing old.

The thing about failure is that you never know how close you were to success.

Today you play for a place in history, today you play for immortality.

I play music because I love it and I'll keep playin' till I'm old.

Poetry is a religion without hope. The poet exhausts himself in its service, knowing that, in the long run, a masterpiece is nothing but the performance of a trained dog on very shaky ground.

Most injuries require chiropractic care. It works better for me than anything else.

Grow jobs. Get this economy growing. Raise wages. Simplify the tax system, so it's easy to comply with.

Profit is not the explanation, cause, or rationale of business behavior and business decisions, but the test of their validity.

The skeletons of the plants are for me as important as the flowers.