I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

Children observe everything in nature.

We only believe in those thoughts which have been conceived not in the brain but in the whole body.

'Don't worry about senility', my grandfather used to say.

I meet regularly with my staff to ensure they are aware of what I want, but also to make sure they have the chance to influence the process and use all of their knowledge to help prepare the group.

We still seek to solve conflicts with 'judgement' instead of designing the way forwards.

The pursuit of happiness is in our Constitution. We're all entitled to have the best we can

When God says no, we are sometimes tempted to wonder if He loves us. In reality, it’s because He loves us, He sometimes says no.

You're your first best audience, long before anybody else hears you. So don't be an easy audience. Keep asking for more.

Yea, I had a dream too. Looks like mine came true.