I want to trace my father, could you suggest a good marker pen?

For 3 Million you could give everyone in Scotland a shovel, and we could dig a hole so deep we could hand her over to Satan in person.

Not only will America go to your country and kill all your people. But they'll come back 20 years later and make a movie about how killing your people made their soldiers feel sad.

As the plane lands in Glasgow airport, passengers are reminded to set their watch back, 25 years.

Recent surveys show 3 out of 10 men have a problem with premature ejaculation. The rest just didn't really think it was a problem!

Nobody thought Mel Gibson could play a Scot, but look at him now! Alcoholic and a racist!

In the event of a cabin failure, oxygen masks will drop from the ceiling, and untangling them will annoy you before you die.

My dad is one of the funniest people I know. He's the sort of man who can make you laugh just by reading out of a telephone directory... He's a spastic.

Do you think George Bush actually knows who Gordon Brown is? He probably just thinks Tony Blair's put on weight and had a mild stroke.

I live in a flat with 3 women, I call it surround sound. I keep the ugly one behind the sofa as a woofer.

The thing I don't get about paedophilia... Why the hell do kids find old men in dirty raincoats so sexy?

It's brainless to assume that making changes to your window's view will give a new perspective

Without speaking, one can win the trust of a person by one's conduct

I always did plays in school because I thought it was fun, but it just never occurred to me as a thing to do.

The central role in the fight against terrorism is with national authorities.

You’ll never know that just sitting across a room full of people, I have transformed you into a goddess. A destroyer of despair.

Next to Morning Pages and Artist Dates, the most potent tool for contacting inner guidance and creativity is walking.

You don't work on something for six years and be blind to the myriad of other approaches.

I grew up in the South with my father; blues and country, that's always been my core. But I had it in me not to do what was expected. I wanted to find my own footing.

In both word and deed, one of the greatest idlers of all time was John Lennon. In his songs we see repeated defences of simply lying around doing nothing.

If your appearance is all people see, they have no respect for your mind.