I wanted to be a brain surgeon, but I had a bad habit of dropping things.

A man goes to the doctor for a check, and the doctor exams him and says I've got bad news, you've got cancer and alzheimers. The man goes Thank god I don't have cancer.

I was talking to Jesus, and I said, Jesus, I feel like no one will ever accept me. And Jesus looked at me and said, You know what my theory is? Accept me or go to hell.

I just don't accept midgets as human beings. There's only so much political correctness I can accept.

I would show up at a party for Al Qaeda if you said there's going to be a dinner.

When you watch Robin Williams, you can see a lot of Jonathan Winters. Robin is the first one to admit that; he worshiped Jonathan Winters.

Every time I give a straight answer and read it in a magazine, I say, 'Ouch.' One day I'd like to talk to a psychoanalyst about why celebrities reveal so much of themselves in interviews.

Comedy historians take note: this Gottfried character doesn't have the best eye for detail - and, for a Jew, he doesn't have the best eye for retail, either.

If you have the Old Testament at home, if you flip the corner pages, you can see Jesus riding a horse.

I'm one of those people that picks up the remote control and just keep hitting constantly, even if I like the show I'm watching.

I'm known for my slightly inappropriate remarks.

The Concept of Internal and External Stressor is a Misnomer. All Stress is Created Finally Through an Internal Mechanism Mediated by Our Thoughts.

The bent but unbroken ones.

A great book remains eternally in one’s memory as today’s legend.

Not to deny that it is a thinking people's music, but when I listen to music if I ever catch myself thinking, I'm in trouble--I know something is wrong.

I was in the middle of the golf tournament trying to make birdies and I was just having a blast. So that probably qualifies as having a greater appreciation.

It is not worth while to go round the world to count the cats in Zanzibar.

The trouble ain't that there is too many fools, but that the lightning ain't distributed right.

Every single soul is a poem, written on the back of God's hand

Ends and beginnings—there are no such things. There are only middles.

If you get one photograph that's good from a trip, that's plenty.