I wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

I often ask to what place I am running, for if I am unable to identify that place it is likely that I am running in a circle of the most circular sort.

I am satisfied with the mystery of the eternity of life.

If you’re worried about giving your secrets away, you can share your dots without connecting them.

Donald Trump is seriously dark and disturbing. You can't just dismiss it as one more example of American pop culture grotesque.

Let pessimism once take hold of the mind, and life is all topsy-turvy, all vanity and vexation of spirit. There is no cure for individual or social disorder, except in forgetfulness and annihilation.

Texas is a big state. It's a major force in the Republican Party.

Want more Twitter followers? Take care of the ones you have FIRST!

I was very vocal about how I wanted to be portrayed on the show, and how I wanted the stage setup to be.

Cheap is the last refuge of a product developer or marketer who is out of great ideas.

Love is wiser than wisdom.