I wanted to buy a candle holder, but the store didn't have one. So I got a cake.

I want to rob a bank with a BB gun. "Give me all your money or I will give you a dimple! I will be rich, you will be cute. We both win."

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I wanted to get a tape recorder, but I got a parrot instead. I think I did that joke backwards.

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

My roommate says, "I'm going to take a shower and shave. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?" It's like some weird quiz where he reveals the answer first.

Spaghetti... I can't eat spaghetti, there's too many of them. No matter how hungry I am, 1,000 of something is too many. I'll have 1,000 pieces of noodles.

Wearing a turtleneck is like being strangled by a really weak guy, all day. Wearing a backpack and a turtleneck is like a weak midget trying to bring you down.

Fettucini alfredo is macaroni and cheese for adults.

I had a stick of CareFree gum, but it didn't work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.

The narrow edge between comfort and discomfort is to a yogi what a grain of sand is to an oyster.

Nothing will help us grow spiritually more than spending time alone with God every day, reading His Word and praying. Time alone with God is essential to our spiritual welfare.

Falsehood has an infinity of combinations, but truth has only one mode of being.

Probably no adult misery can be compared with a child's despair.

The black person is the protagonist in most of my paintings. I realized that I didn't see many paintings with black people in them.

It's bad form to mention money-laundering. Instead, you talk about asset-management structures and tax beneficial schemes.

I'm waiting for the floor to drop out from under me.

You know how the Beatles broke off - they all did their solo projects and they came back together and they were even stronger!

No mother would ever willingly sacrifice her sons for territorial gain, for economic advantage, for ideology.

How old are you?” “Seventeen,” he answered promptly. “And how long have you been seventeen?” His lips twitched as he stared at the road. “A while,” he admitted at last.