I wanted to do something nice so I bought my mother-in-law a chair. Now they won't let me plug it in.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says "You've been brought here for drinking." The drunk says "Okay, let's get started.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.

Never complain, proclaim positive-words.Then, you will possess the divine grace for a change situation.

What is your big project in the New Year? You don’t have one? No dream, no reality! Get a big dream for yourself now to get a big reality tomorrow!

Changes are not unusual - I mean, most movies, when they release them, they make changes. But somehow, when I make the slightest change, everybody thinks it's the end of the world.

There's no free will," says the philosopher; "To hang is most unjust." "There is no free will," assents the officer; "We hang because we must.

I think perfect love is any time you love unconditionally, without selfish intent, without concern for personal gain.

The tactical difference between Association Football and Rugby with its varieties seems to be that in the former the ball is the missile, in the latter men are the missiles.

Getting an education at MIT is like taking a drink from a fire hose.

Sleep is uncanny, I have always found it so, a nightly dress-rehearsal for being dead.

There was celebration and happiness, hugs and kisses.

In each business, there is a process, or a delivery system or information system, that is changing rapidly under them.