I wanted to get a job as a gynecologist, but I couldn't find an opening.

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me . . they’re cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

All the media and the politicians ever talk about is things that separate us, things that make us different from one another

Don’t just teach your children to read… Teach them to question what they read. Teach them to question everything.

In America, anyone can become president. That's the problem.

Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.

There is a planet named Pluto, but we don't have one named Goofy. Goofy would be a good name for this planet. It certainly qualifies.

The utmost extent of man's knowledge, is to know that he knows nothing.

If you're not looking forward to church this morning perhaps it's time to look for a church.

I missed a lot of school for auditions, but other than that I had a very normal childhood.

I love British female directors lately.

It's a different thing when you play on a team that has to win, that doesn't consider it a good year unless you win the championship

I'm a size 10. I could be a size 8 if i wanted to, but i'm effin hungry

Nearly losing my life made me want to live my life.

I feel vulnerable because my mind - because of the stroke, my mind doesn't focus. And then I feel vulnerable because I don't understand the world around me.

When someone picks up one of my songs and records it, I'm a flattered man, it's a blessing to me

There's nothing like an Aerosmith groove