I wanted to get from 4th street to 8th... Then I remembered Einstein postulating that parallel lines eventually meet. They're dredging my car from Lake Michigan as we speak.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

The truth is that there comes a time When we can mourn no more over music That is so much motionless sound

Hardship is a legitimate test of character, resilience a legitimate sign of strength and patience a legitimate mark of faith.

Socialism in general has a record of failure so blatant that only an intellectual could ignore or evade it.

I think that people who want to change this planet have to seriously understand that as human beings we have to work to be good.

I don't spend much time regretting the past, once I've taken my lesson from it. I don't dwell on it.

Going out into the country after living in the city is a loss of control.

The future is like heaven-everyone exalts it but no one wants to go there now.

Chess mastery essentially consists of analyzing Chess positions accurately

Keep a marquee everything sparkly Man down hit em on the walkie talkie

I wrote Freak the Mighty because Max, the mighty half of Freak the Mighty, insisted and he's bigger than I am.