I wanted to get the guy who works next to me in the office something he really wants, but how do you wrap up a saloon?

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

All you can do everyday, is do what you believe is right. That's what I do, and what will be, will be.

Slud is something more than slid. It means sliding with great effort.

We would not let ourselves be burned to death for our opinions: we are not sure enough of them for that.

Studies show American students are becoming less proficient in math. Experts say we should have seen this coming, but nobody could put 2 and 2 together.

The generation of women who came before us did much of our shouting. They laid the groundwork and now we can be calm and constant and steady.

Partnership, not dependence, is the real romance in marriage.

When I'm writing about reality, I'm writing about death. When I'm writing fiction, I'm writing about life.

Tolerance is the uncomfortable feeling that in the end the other could be right.

I do have to ask the following: I feel very bad about that [spate of incidents, racially-charged incidents, across the country ].

Human kindness can be found in all groups, even those which as a whole it would be easy to condemn.