I was Christmas shopping and ran into a guy on the street. I noticed his watch and said that it runs slow. He said, "So does the guy I stole it from."

Next in importance to having a good aim is to recognize when to pull the trigger.

They say there are about 12 million illegal immigrants in this country. But if you ask a Native American, that number is more like 300 million.

Are we sure this is a good time to take God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?

I feel like Bush presidencies are like "Godfather" films. You should stop at two.

President Bush says he needs a month off to unwind. Unwind? When the hell does this guy wind?

Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines.

The White House is giving George W. Bush intelligence briefings. You know? some of these jokes just write themselves.

Way too much coffee. But if it weren't for the coffee, I'd have no identifiable personality whatsoever.

Somebody threw a book at President Obama. If you're trying to scare a president by throwing a book at him, you're one president too late.

Holyfield won the fight. It's not the first time Romney has been knocked out by a black guy.

Nothing kills creativity faster than a wall.

I chose fat and functional over slender and miserable.

Different skin color and same blood color is something that most people don't know, they don't know because arrogance make them racist and ignorant.

I get to go to work and FaceTime my friends and family and go, "Hey, I'm just showing you around my spaceship!" It's great to be able to do that. I'm having a ball!

John McEnroe is the most honest and real person I have ever interviewed.

By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he's wrong.

So long as you do not quarrel with sin, you will never be a truly happy man.

We angels are misconceived in the human world. People perceive us as kindly and bountiful; when, in truth, we are about as fluffy, as gentle, as yielding, as rattlesnakes.

There is a subconscious way of taking violence as a way of expression, as a normality, and it has a lot of effects in the youth in the way they absorb education and what they hope to get out of life.

I don't like cheap shots, I really don't.