I was a born club comic. Radio and TV and stage were fine, but I found my real home in cabaret.

Growing old is compulsory - growing up is optional.

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one?

Silence is not only golden, it is seldom misquoted.

I got a horse for my wife. I thought it was a fair swap.

They all laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.

I'm not saying my wife's a bad cook, but she uses a smoke alarm as a timer.

My mother tried to kill me when I was a baby. She denied it. She said she thought the plastic bag would keep me fresh.

If blind people wear sunglasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?

My father only hit me once, but he used a Volvo.

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

You can leave your mark in the sand of history just by discovering the secrets of greatness through time conversion.

Love will find you when you least expect it to. It will come unannounced and find you in an unusual moment on the strangest of days!

Questions to be answered by questions itself when you wanna ignore it in first place. It’s better to be diplomatic rather than Ignorant.

We don't want our players to be monks. We want them to be better football players because a monk doesn't play football at this level.

My travels led me to where I am today. Sometimes these steps have felt painful, difficult, but led me to greater happiness and opportunities.

I really didn't have any childhood. When you don't know where you are going to sleep for the night.. or find food.. you can't think with the mind of a child. You have to think with the mind of a man.

If you ever get to the place where injustice doesn't bother you, you're dead.

And have they fixed the where, and when? And shall Trelawny die? Here's thirty thousand Cornish men, Will know the reason why!

He probably couldn’t turn off his sexiness without medical intervention.’ (Abbie)

A genius may perhaps be a century ahead of his age and hence stands there as a paradox, but in the end, the race will assimilate what was once a paradox, so it is no longer paradoxical.