I was a disabled child. So, people made fun of me, don't pretend like this never happens. But at the same time, I never cried about it. I never got sad about it.

That is the most confusing and insane thing to me, when people get offended on behalf of another group.

I hate that when people are like, "Well, all dwarves know each other, right?" And you want to get mad, but you can't because we do.

I want to go to Australia so bad, do comedy there, and see the people there. It's a great country. I have friends that are Australian that have told me all about it. I want to do comedy there.

It takes a surprisingly large amount of intelligence to be a professional idiot.

The vast majority of people that have gotten mad at me for a joke that I've made were people that were, A, never going to see me in the first place, or, B, were dragged to see me by somebody else.

Comedian makes the statement that just isn't true.

I don't get to the global issues or anything like that. I am just trying to be silly.

People ask me a lot like, "Hey, so when are you done with your tour?" Like when I die. That's when I'm done with my tour.

Everyone's extremely and easily offended now.

It's very confusing to me why people take comedians so seriously.

Everyday has its unique blessings.

Perfecting one's intellect causes one to speak less, and those words spoken will be adorned with wisdom.

And when I say it, they get alarmed... 'Cause I'm louder than a bomb.

Just as the child is father to the man, so the impressions of one's youth remain the most vivid in manhood.

Let's not talk so much about vice. I'm against vice in all forms.

Map out your future, but do it in pencil.

Skaters are very much like peacocks.

How closely women clutch the very chains that bind them!

Thank God for little miracles, right?

I love road trips. You get into this Zen rhythm; throw sense of time out the window.