I was a poster child... for birth control!

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

Bleesed is the person whose mind is ever at peace never diprssed never disappointed.

Great mercy, great love.

...that's what friends did. Let each other off the hook when they didn't want to talk.

You can't lie to a dead person.They already know the truth.

Trust everyone, but always cut the cards.

I don't care about the genre so much. I'm good with horror, but I like other genres, too.

I have an artistic temperament, which is a really tragic thing.

The adventurous life is not one exempt from fear, but on the contrary, one that is lived in full knowledge of fears of all kinds, one in which we go forward in spite of our fears.

Football makes nonsense of class. It may make nonsense of colour in some circumstances.

Take more pleasure in giving what is best to another than in having it for yourself, and then all the world will love you.