I was always fascinated by forbidden things people didn't want to talk about, like death.

My girlfriend is upset about her new haircut. I don't understand why she's crying. I'm the one who has to get a new girlfriend.

I've got a kid in Africa that I feed, that I clothe, that I school, that I inoculate for 75 cents a day. Which is practically nothing compared to what it cost to send him there.

People say it's easy to make fun of retarded people, but it's not. You really have to explain it to them.

Whenever I meet a pretty girl, the first thing I look for is intelligence; because if she doesn't have that, then she’s mine.

My ex-girlfriend owned a parakeet…oh my god, that f**king thing would never shut up. But the bird was cool.

The world is full of horrible things that will eventually get you and everything you care about. Laughter is a universal way to lift your head up and say: 'Not today, you bastards.'

Yesterday I accidentally hit a little kid with my car. It wasn't serious — nobody saw me.

You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS. I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back I know.

I've got a long history of suicid in my family; the good news is it skips a generation, so, if I'm lucky, my kids will kill themselves.

With great vision, strong determination, and persistent action, everyone is capable of achieving greatness.

People tend to remember and mentally classify work according to how it looks, sometimes oblivious to the underlying intent.

I went to a Katy Perry concert, and I experienced pure bliss for the first time in my life.

I was so long writing my review that I never got around to reading the book.

Everybody should have an equal chance - but they shouldn't have a flying start.

I don't know anything about luck, but that the harder I train, the luckier I get.

I consider myself a novice film actor.

Ave Dolce Vita, Rex Regum! Hail Sweet Life, King of Kings! We love you and we believe in you!

I wouldn't play in Minnesota unless my career was at an end and I had to go to Minnesota to play the game.

A civilization which has taken over the world cannot be said to be dying.