I was always the funny guy. Everyone wants to hang out with the funny guy.

That is the most confusing and insane thing to me, when people get offended on behalf of another group.

I hate that when people are like, "Well, all dwarves know each other, right?" And you want to get mad, but you can't because we do.

I want to go to Australia so bad, do comedy there, and see the people there. It's a great country. I have friends that are Australian that have told me all about it. I want to do comedy there.

It takes a surprisingly large amount of intelligence to be a professional idiot.

The vast majority of people that have gotten mad at me for a joke that I've made were people that were, A, never going to see me in the first place, or, B, were dragged to see me by somebody else.

Comedian makes the statement that just isn't true.

I don't get to the global issues or anything like that. I am just trying to be silly.

People ask me a lot like, "Hey, so when are you done with your tour?" Like when I die. That's when I'm done with my tour.

Everyone's extremely and easily offended now.

It's very confusing to me why people take comedians so seriously.

Her heart felt too full, a dry creek bed ill-prepared for such rain.

Nobody read books, but women, parsons and idle people.

It is not a lack of love but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.

If somehow every volunteer vanished tomorrow, so much of this country would come to a standstill: schools, hospitals and libraries. You can't name an institution that doesn't depend on volunteers.

Punishments erode relationships and moral growth.

Well it's hard to be yourself, it's the hardest job there is.

I don't want him to live forever, and I know that he's not going to live forever whether I want him to or not.

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing. I regret that this isn't fatal.

all day long wearing a hat that wasn't on my head

A little government and a little luck are necessary in life, but only a fool trusts either of them.