I was an altar boy in the Roman Catholic Church and no priest ever laid a hand on me. That's me, always the bridesmaid.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

[V]irtue is not news, and virtuous men, like happy nations, have no history.

Perception and worldview are one's summary of life.

She tugged on his hair. "I'll have you know I'm no weakling." He grinned and kissed her forehead. "No, it takes a strong woman to kill a truck.

I cross-examined him and he double-crossed me but that's fine

I don't know what happens to you after you die. I'm not banking on there being, like, a heaven.

What I want to do is travel deep and deeper into the dreamlands, to find that place that I know is waiting for me here. My home.

Mercy. That is the gospel. The whole of it in one word.

Democrats, you know, want to identify with and relate to what you're feeling, what you've been bummed out about, where your head is at.

It's very conventional to say that you're a contrarian these days.

Young people think they know it all, but a lot of old salts around know they don't.