I was an ugly child. I got lost on the beach. I asked a cop if he could find my parents. He said, 'I don't know. There's lots of places for them to hide'.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

It’s not over if you’re still here, ” Chronicler said. “It’s not a tragedy if you’re still alive.

Jack may’ve been deceitful by blood and a liar by nature, but hot damn holy honeysuckle, he knew how to kiss.

:...For animals and birds are like people, too, though they do not talk the same or do the same things. Without them the earth would be an unhappy place.

As sometimes happens with men who wish to fight but do not or cannot, Reagan developed a romantic image of the military.

Charlestoning is hard. People were fit in the '20s to be able to do that. I guess they didn't sit in front of their computers all day.

'Let God be true but every man a liar' is the language of true faith.

The province of philosophy is not so much to prevent calamities befalling as to demonstrate that they are blessings when they have taken place.

We’re destroying the world because we are, in a very literal and deliberate way, at war with it.

Criminals thrive on the indulgence of society’s understanding.

Garlic, like perfume, must be used with discretion and on the proper occasions.