I was an ugly kid; when I was born, after the doctor cut the cord, he hung himself.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

God is interested in how you relate to Him

The thing you did to alleviate the loneliness was to take off your clothes and touch someone, even if you didn’t really know the person well.

When we concentrate on preaching what people WANT to hear we will only succeed in exciting their flash and depressing their spirit.

I don't say anything wacky about women. I have more respect for women than anybody would understand and I'm going to give people jobs and I'm going to protect people.

Discourtesy is unspeakably ugly to me.

Dynamism is a function of change.

I've always wanted to write a novel. It's overwhelming and daunting, and it's one of those things that every writer fantasizes about doing.

As I am. As I am. All or not at all.

I had my own battle tactics.

God demands not that I be successful, but that I be faithful.