I was at a bar nursing a beer. My nipple was getting quite soggy.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

How many shots had to be fired to turn this child back to his home and anxious mother?

It seemed possible to me, in the dry heat of that courtroom, that heaven was a metaphor for the grace of perspective you get when you die

You Say To People 'Throw Off Your Chains' And They Make New Chains For Themselves?

What science-fiction premises do is it gives you a "what-if" prism to look at the contemporary world with a wack on the side of the head.

The tyranny of a prince in an oligarchy is not so dangerous to the public welfare as the apathy of a citizen in a democracy.

The goal of prayer is the ear of God.

It's nice to stay up nights worrying about the material, and not about the investors who gave you $10 million to do your musical.

Honestly, it was pretty challenging working with a talking raccoon.

The pupil wants not so much to learn, as to learn how to learn.

I grow daily to honor facts more and more, and theory less and less.