I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.

Velcro: what a rip-off.

Black beauty - he's a dark horse.

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah. He was trying to pull a fast one.

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

Ive decided to sell my Hoover… well, it was just collecting dust.

I went out on a date with Simile. I don't know what I metaphor.

I was reading a book... 'the history of glue' - I couldn't put it down.

Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.

So I said to the gym instructor: 'Can you teach me to do the splits?' He said: 'How flexible are you?' I said: I can't make Tuesdays.'

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red.

Soar like an eagle beyond skies of heavens reach

God is greatest physician.

fans are just friends and family I haven't met... or wrote about yet

Just how good are you?”He kissed her. “I’ll let you be the judge of that.

The only way to prove that you're a good sport is to lose.

Humour is the shortest road from one person to another.

I looked at my reflection in the rearview mirror. Some lipstick would go with this truck, I thought.

It's abundantly clear the Democrats want to eliminate us.

Protecting vital sources of renewal - unscathed marshes, healthy reefs, and deep-sea gardens - will provide hope for the future of the Gulf, and for all of us.

Why can't the Arabs and Jews resolve their disagreements at the conference table like good Christians?