I was being chased by a giant crab. That's not funny.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Rain slips through your fingers as easily as words blow away in the wind, and yet it has the power to destroy your whole world.

If a palmist grasp my palm, and look into it, without seeing a single line, what would he read?

If flatness were funny, a dinner plate would be hilarious.

Idleness is the enemy of the soul; and therefore the brethren ought to be employed in manual labor at certain times, at others, in devout reading.

The last time I was in Spain I got through six Jeffrey Archer novels. I must remember to take enough toilet paper next time.

I've had plenty of big hits and plenty of big misses.

I love witches and magic and dress-up and make-believe.

A man's whole life is taxed for the least thing well done. It is its net result.

I don't think it is pressure but I am aware sometimes, especially on this new album, that people were going to really pay attention.

If you reach the people nobody wants, God will give you the people everybody wants.