I was born an emotional tampon in a cauldron of dysfunction.

Life is like jury duty. Just do it and get it over with.

Competition is the death of art.

Have you noticed since Global Warming took hold that all the snowmen look kind of angry?

They say that cats are the only animal that can sit in your lap and ignore you. To which I say: you've never been to the Spearmint Rhino.

The Cadillac Escalade is the perfect vehicle for a pimp with a growing family.

Why do I always meet women as I'm leaving the dog park with a big bag of poop? And it's always on the day I forgot my dog.

Women are like pumpkins; you search and search for the perfect one, bring it home, and the next thing you know, you're looking for a knife.

I like to think of Doritos as emotional packing material to safeguard the feelings I've swallowed.

Unshaven dudes in hoodies and ski caps look so hip and cool, until they too close to a grocery cart full of dented cans.

To really make it look like Santa came, I put reindeer poop on the roof. It's just so cold up there with my pants down.

Let us dream of tomorrow where we can truly love from the soul, and know love as the ultimate truth at the heart of all creation.

Don't do something for recognition. Do it out of kindness. Do it because out of giving, it will make you whole and complete

We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the game.

Wayne Bennett believes in himself and his players, and he always will.

I think people have had the understanding for many years that whatever happens with the separation of parents, that the kids automatically go to the mother. The fathers don't know their rights.

It is in the comprehension of the physically disabled, or disordered ... that we are behind our age.... sympathy as a fine art is backward in the growth of progress.

Meditation is the freeing of ourselves from all mental states and concepts of self.

Maybe the definition of home is the place where you are never forgiven. So you may always belong there, bound by guilt. And maybe the cost of belonging is worth it.

There are babies a span long in hell.

If cities were built by the sound of music, then some edifices would appear to be constructed by grave, solemn tones,--others to have danced forth to light fantastic airs.