I was born in 1962, and the room next to me was 1963.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

She swallowed the ridicule & washed it down with criticism, It was far sweeter than the taste of obscurity.

Women can form a friendship with a man very well but to preserve it a slight physical antipathy most probably helps.

Fencing is a funny sport. Competitive fencing is not really very applicable to the stage world unless you're fighting with a rapier during the Renaissance, you know?

Faith refers to Christ. Holiness depends on faith. Heaven depends on holiness.

Soft men tend to be born from soft countries.

Privacy in one's associations... may in many circumstances be indispensable to freedom of association, particularly where a group espouses dissident beliefs.

Are you a peice of Saran Wrap? No Well then why are you acting so clingy?

Some lines were never meant to be crossed, however good your cause may seem.

Paint, not the thing but the effect which it produces.

As a child, I watched 'Dallas' and that was my vision for my life for as long as I could remember.