I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, "Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe."

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Obstacles are opportunities turned upside down...or prisons self-imposed.

The Church no more gave us the New Testament canon than Isaac Newton gave us the force of gravity.

And now I want love. Lust is no good for me. I want love. His love.

Fire destroys that which feeds it.

Business must be a force for good in the world.

We find, sooner or later, that in prayer we either abandon ourselves or we abandon prayer.

The problem is indeed that one party's debt finds its counterpart in some other party's savings. Not paying debts therefore involves annulling some other party's financial claims on the debtor.

I use a lot of double-tonguing [using the tongue to control airflow]; that allows me to play as fast as if I was slurring, but with clean articulation on every note.

We learn from here the humility of the Holy One, Blessed is He. Since man is in the likeness of the angels, and they would be jealous of him, for this reason, He consulted them.

And Beasts that have Deliberation , must necessarily also have Will .