I was going to buy a book on hair loss, but the pages kept falling out.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

The global economy is a doomsday machine that must be stopped and reprogrammed.

When I was writing 'Kitchen Confidential,' I was in my 40s, I had never paid rent on time, I was 10 years behind on my taxes, I had never owned my own furniture or a car.

Most search committees use me.

I still have my laptop but I haven't used it. I'm a paper man, not electronic.

Life cannot be mastered by a method but needs to be met with an attitude of openness and discovery

But human borders mean nothing to air, water, windblown soil or seeds or migrating fish, birds or mammals.

The only monster here is the gambling monster that has enslaved your mother, and I call him Gamblor!

You have to adhere to a philosophy that the life unexamined is not worth living, because otherwise you're just living from day to day and you don't have any real sense of yourself or where you are.

Everyone's life is a train wreck. Your life happens to be a high-class train wreck.

The mind of man is a thousand times more beautiful than the earth on which he dwells.