I was home educated but would skip my lessons to go hang out at school.

I can smell bullshit from a mile away but it's so much harder to detect when it's around you all day.

I'm a late-night guy.

I can always get better. A lot of my ex-girlfriends don't think I'm funny.

I don't laugh out loud at comics a lot.

Here's how you know that you're really drunk: when you get into a taxi cab and you think the fare is the time.

Losing my mind sounds so pessimistic. I prefer the term winning my insanity.

When people refer to 'Back in the Day,' it was a Wednesday. Just a little fun fact for you.

I'm quitting the business today. I'm going to open up an appliance store, I've always really been into toasters. I'm giving it all up.

I don't write any of my material down. I like to improvise and be spontaneous.

Trolls look for reasons to hate but really what they are mad at is the fact they are not included in anything ever.

Even when walking in the company of two other men, I am bound to be able to learn from them. The good points of the one I copy, the bad points of the other I correct in myself.

Honesty is a heart that betrays itself for a dream, a moment, a kiss.

I have always liked clothes - throughout my life, my saving grace has been my own vanity.

I would not change my native landFor rich Peru with all her gold

You show me a 50-foot wall and I'll show you a 51-foot ladder.

I never got married anyway, because I wasn't particularly keen on accepting the responsibility of another person.

To be defeated and not submit, is victory; to be victorious and rest on one's laurels, is defeat.

Life in Beverly Hills is a game, and I make the rules.

We study there a lot because... what other choice does society give us, right? It's Starbucks or death, sometimes.

I am interested in the size of your intention. It is better to overstate the important than to understate it.