I was in a bar the other night, hopping from barstool to barstool, trying to get lucky, but there wasn't any gum under any of them.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bicycle. Then I realised that the Lord doesn't work that way so I stole one and asked Him to forgive me.

My computer beat me at checkers, but I sure beat it at kickboxing.

I was the kid next door's imaginary friend.

My classmates would copulate with anything that moved, but I never saw any reason to limit myself.

My girlfriend told me that she was seeing another man. I told her to rub her eyes.

I've learned that you can't make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they'll panic and give in.

People come up to me and say, 'Emo, do people really come up to you?'

I've always thought the best way to teach a kid not to be scared of the dark is to fill his daylight hours with as much horror as possible.

Wisdom is a lamp

A simple act of kindness goes a long way in your relationship with your caregiver

A kiss should be personal, not a mandatory public event

Maturity consists of no longer being taken in by oneself.

In 1977 we played America and Europe three times, and Japan - my marriage suffered as a result. My then wife took the kids to Canada to be near her parents.

And it may be that love sometimes occurs without pain or misery.

Legitimacy is the elixir of political power.

It is only by acknowledging that you have created everything up until now that you can take charge of creating the future you want.

You might be a redneck if the receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.

A lot of the world looks to the United States, whether we like it or not.