I was in a department store and I saw a weird-looking gadget. I asked the young saleslady what it was. She answered, "It doesn't do anything. It's just a Christmas gift."

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door

If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door.

If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

Laughter is an instant vacation.

Anytime a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

Laughter is the best medicine in the world.

Marriage is one of the few institutions that allow a man to do as his wife pleases.

A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.

Feelings are the directional impulses of your soul. Your soul always wants you to go into the direction of greater joy.

John Hay on Lincoln: "He always worked with things as they were, while never relinquishing the desire to make them better.

Only a Woman, divine, could know all that a woman can suffer.

I don't think everybody in Vermont loves me.

Study always to have Joy, for it befits not the servant of God to show before his brother or another sadness or a troubled face.

The Apothecaries morter spoiles the Luters musick.

I got up to all sorts of things when I was a kid, but I've managed to take the excessive alcohol and fast vehicle combination out of my life now.

The miracle and hope of human consciousness is that we can still conceive of boundlessness.

Steven [Sebring] just fell in with my family life. He helped me wash the dishes and play with the kids. I could tell that he was a person who understood families.

You hear this story that we're all on the left, but when there's a demonstration, you count how many actors actually come out. If there's a half dozen, that would be a big day.