I was in the land of fakes and frauds and phonies-I felt like saying “Howdy cousin,” to everybody who walked by.

Money can't buy happiness—but it can buy beer.

I had never liked bullying of any sort, especially when an individual acquires his courage by becoming part of a faceless mob. I always say if you need fake courage, get it out of a bottle like I do.

... occasionally I see rich-looking women on Rollerblades gripping leashes and being towed bodily by golden retrievers. That's my kind of jogging.

A lot of artists start out as failed poets, then move on to being failed short-story writers before they finally break through to the big time and become failed novelists.

Being a cab river is not unlike being a magician--minus the top hat, the cape, the rabbit, an the gorgeous assistant. But you do have an audience.

Adverbs and cops always come in pairs.

It's a funny thing about writing. You get so balled up in a story idea that you lose your perspective and forget that human being might read your words someday.

I've been broke, and I've been in debt, and broke is better.

I was driving pretty much the way everyone drives in LA, like elephants dancing on each others’ backs at a circus.

She looked confused. She looked off-balance. That's a technique I employ to get dates, and it always works.

Forgive to be free, let go to grow like a tree.

He's firmly, irrevocably, unambiguously convinced that you're somebody worth dying for.

Islam is the only religion that gives dignity to the poor.

If you consume animal derived foods or use other animal derived products you are by no stretch of the imagination an "environmentalist." You are a rank hypocrite.

No more prizes for predicting the rain, only prizes for building the arks

Anybody who asks for democracy to be introduced should respect the results of democracy.

I have pit bulls barking at me on half of the love songs.

I also sing about my mom leaving me a lot - a lot of kids have their moms or dads leave them, so they relate to that. I wear my heart on my sleeve, so I think that's what the kids love.

We are not to be isolated but insulated, moving in the midst of evil but untouched by it.