I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.

The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

You can't have everything. Where would you put it?

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Right now I’m having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I’ve forgotten this before.

She had not character enough to take to drinking, and moaned about, slip-shod and in curl-papers, all day.

The beauty one can find in art is one of the pitifully few real and lasting products of human endeavor.

I'm honest about the journey I've been on, so I definitely don't take dating lightly anymore.

Pride is never sinful when it is Justice.

Every event in our lives occurs to teach us something about ourselves.

Hopefully people will be reinventing comedy forever and ever. This is just what I do, and it's a type of comedy.

The new specialty at the Iowa fair this year is fried butter on a stick. Of course, if you're like me and you want like to eat healthy, get your stick of butter baked.

I like that sense of family in my workplace, having the same pair of eyes to look into.

S'pose a man was to come to you and say Pollyvoo-franzy - what would you think?

Modeling, for me, was not fulfilling. I didn't see the point - although I was able to travel a great deal. I lived in Italy, Germany, and Spain, but I wasn't devoted to it.