I was just reading about the new Lindsay Lohan diet, which is all liquid. 80 proof.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

Give away all your love and become the love, and love never dies.

We ought to celebrate the sacredness of life.

Summer was full on and the nights hot. It was like lying in warm syrup there in the dark under the viaduct, in the steady whine of gnats and nightbugs

Eventually, after much dreaming, the dream no longer suffices. You have to physically be there.

All of life is education and everybody is a teacher and everybody is forever a pupil.

In the western philosophy you can't perceive infinities at every moment. It's not there to do.

The greatest enemy of authority, therefore, is contempt, and the surest way to undermine it is laughter.

Plato stands for the union of truth and goodness in the supreme idea of God.

Tammy Faye said, "I am so happy that Jessica Hahn is so ugly, because now I don't feel so bad."

I honestly have no interest in celebrity whatsoever. If anything, I always cringe at it because it takes away from what I am, which is an actor who wants to be better and do better things.