I was lonely driving here tonight so I hugged the road.

My father would take me to the playground, and put me on mood swings

I'm on performance enhancing drugs, so I may cause drowsiness.

My girlfriend bought me a down jacket, she said it fit my personality.

My whole family is lactose intolerant and when we take pictures we can't say cheese.

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb - they diffused it.

They asked me what I thought about euthanasia. I said I'm more concerned about the adults.

I don't need to worry about identity theft because no one wants to be me.

I went to an audition the other day, they were casting 13 people to be clouds, 14 people showed up, it was overcast.

I told my therapist I was having nightmares about nuclear explosions. He said don't worry it's not the end of the world.

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes

Success is mesmerizing, and blinding. Sometimes you need good old fashion failure to open your eyes.

We are not victims of our genes, but masters of our fates, able to create lives overflowing with peace, happiness, and love.

When death comes, he respects neither age nor merit. He sweeps from the earthly existence the sick and the strong, the rich and the poor, and should teach us to live to be prepared for death.

If I killed my wife and mother and debauched a thousand women I couldn't go to hell--in fact, I couldn't go to hell if I wanted to.

We cannot be studied or cured apart from the planet.

The Hulk, a being of pure tortured id, bipolar mania unbound, sprung from the subconscious of a repressed, scientist with a dark childhood.

A nation that kills its own children has no future.

I am to gratify his pleasure and nurse his child, I am a piece of household furniture, I am a woman.

There is a learning quality in all of our shows.

Sometimes there is a 36-piece orchestra going off in my stomach.