I was lucky I wasn't a better boxer, or that's what I'd be now - a punchy ex-pug.

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don't need it.

A sense of humor is good for you. Have you ever heard of a laughing hyena with heart burn?

No one party can fool all of the people all of the time; that's why we have two parties

I always like to go to Washington D.C. It gives me a chance to visit my money.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

I don't do a lot of political jokes. Too many are getting elected.

If you would know the political and moral condition of a people, ask as to the position of its women.

All my life I wanted to accomplish something worthwhile-a thing people will say took a little something.

Oh come on Pam, they're funny. They're like humans but miniature...tea cup humans!

Well, I guess I am about the livest dead man you ever saw; although I was once asked to accept a coffin.

We are an overfed and undernourished nation digging an early grave with our teeth.

Ultimately, we all have to decide for ourselves what constitutes failure, but the world is quite eager to give you a set of criteria if you let it.

Failure is never a reason not to try again.

The career of a great man remains an enduring monument of human energy. The man dies and disappears, but his thoughts and acts survive and leave an indelible stamp upon his race.

Both abundance and lack exist simultaneously in our lives, as parallel realities. It is always our conscious choice which secret garden we will tend.

Our lives are mostly a constant evasion of ourselves, and of our visible, sensible world.