I was madder than a midget with a yo-yo

Blaming guns for killing people is like blaming pencils for bad spelling

Sometimes you've gotta wreck the truck to get the insurance money to make the payment on the truck.

I'm happier than a tornado in a trailer park.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

Remember, half the people you know are below average.

I had a buddy of mine call up the other day, all upset 'cause he slept with his third cousin. And I'm like, Man, if it upsets you that much, quit countin' them!

You learn a lot though when you have kids, I'll tell you what. Did you know when a baby poops its diapers, you're not supposed to hit him with a rolled-up newspaper?

I'm on the diet where you eat vegetables and drink wine. That's a good diet. I lost 10 pounds and my driver's license.

Every July, I look forward to taping a Christmas show - in July in Nashville. In 98-degree weather. I love it.

I ALWAYS HAVE DONE WELL HOWEVER IN BLUE STATES AND RED STATES. IVE NEVER REALLY ALIGNED MYSELF WITH ALL THAT RED STATE BLUE STATE DR. SUESS CRAP BECAUSE WERE ALL AMERICANS AND WE ALL LIKE TO LAUGH.

I hope that my daughter grows up empowered and doesn't define herself by the way she looks but by qualities that make her a intelligent, strong and responsible woman.

I'm curious about other universes, and nonhuman elementals. For me it's still a very lively ethos. It's a kind of practice. It's an ethos that is very sustaining.

You know Chuck, Buddy, and Elvis paved the road The roots are deep inside us It's the rhythm in our soul.

It must be important or he wouldn't dare disturb me now,” he muttered. Then he drew away to look at me. “If it's not, I'll kill him and return to you directly.

It is investment, i.e. the increased production of material wealth in the shape of capital goods, which alone increases national wealth.

Everything in a wide sense is a kind of a self-portrait. It's just the way you see things and you're curious about certain things and just excited about them.

Your prosperity consciousness is not dependent on money; your flow of money is dependent upon your prosperity consciousness.

Good entrepreneurs have a chip on their shoulders. They are out to prove something.

When you’re not patient, you start complaining. And the fact that you’re complaining is a sign that you’re not grateful.

I don't blame Bill Maher for mocking religion. I can see why he took the trouble to make the movie. In one sense, it's overdue.