I was making love to my wife the other night, I looked up. She was on the phone.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.

I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

I told my dentist my teeth are going yellow. he told me to wear a brown tie.

If beauty is in the eye of the beholder, so is ugliness.

When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous - everyone hasn't met me yet.

I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

You know you're ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

To make life beautiful--every time you think--think about the amazing beauty of life.

I'm already gone. I died that night on the side of that road with my sister.

Except for talk radio, liberals pretty much control the culture.

We must choose between the violence of adults and the smiles of children.

God does not redeem the personal man by death. He redeems himself by freeing himself from the personality of man.

A work of art is finished, from the point of view of the artist, when feeling and perception have resulted in a spiritual synthesis.

The will to live that possesses us to create medicine, to become firefighters or teachers, is the same will to live that is woven into all living beings.

You can have anything you want

For so long, I was controlled and manipulated by other people. Whatever people think of me, I'm finally doing what I want to do.

Thou shalt not let a day pass without rereading something great.