I was managing editor for a while [in National Lampoon ], and it does cause business problems when your circulation goes up.

Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.

Mercedes Benz : A mechanical device that increases sexual arousal in women.

Tabasco sauce is to bachelor cooking what forgiveness is to sin.

A firm, hearty handshake gives a good first impression, and you'll never be forgiven if you don't live up to it.

At the core of liberalism is the spoiled child — miserable, as all spoiled children are, unsatisfied, demanding, ill-disciplined, despotic and useless. Liberalism is a philosophy of sniveling brats.

There's a whiff of the lynch mob or the lemming migration about any overlarge concentration of like-thinking individuals, no matter how virtuous their cause.

Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective.

Watching Republicans in Washington is like watching lemmings, if lemmings jumped into cesspools instead of off cliffs. Splash! There goes Mark Foley!

Authority has always attracted the lowest elements in the human race

If you're not inthe mood, you can't do that stuff right.

Israel should have exploited the repression of the demonstrations in China, when world attention focused on that country, to carry out mass expulsions among the Arabs of the territories.

So much of a professional athlete's success depends upon not necessarily the play itself but how he deals with... always saying how you deal with good, is just as important as how you deal with bad.

I believe if you work hard and you dream big enough, you can accomplish anything in this world.

I learned early on to never walk while I was on the ball field. I ran everywhere I went.

Massie's frindship is something that has to be earned. Not because she's beautiful or popular but because she's loyal.

The critic ... should be not merely a poet, not merely a philosopher, not merely an observer, but tempered of all three.

If we take the poor away from the Gospel, we won't be able to understand the whole message of Jesus Christ.

If you are prepared, then you are able to feel confident.

Freedom is not a concept in which people can do anything they want, be anything they can be. Freedom is about authority.