I was my own buddy in camp.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

We are beings who seek the infinity of beauty over the finitude of time.

Someone told me that when they go to Vermont, they feel like they're home. I'm that way at Saks.

Driving to Vegas is awesome... Driving home From Vegas sucks.

That's one of the fun things...That's your excuse for dressing up. You can get picked on and go, 'Oh well I'm in a band'.

I come from a very religious background.And actually I remained in it. All my anger I describe in my quarrels with God in Auschwitz, but you know I used to pray every day.

Police officers are the best of us. And the men and women, white, African-American, Asian, Latino, Hispanic, they put their lives on the line every single day.

Entire world comes to us, but Indians live in entire world.

There's just something about vampires that's sexy...It's the same reason why women go for the bad boy - you want them but you shouldn't have them.

Through learning we re-create ourselves. Through learning we become able to do something we were never able to do.