I was not an attractive child.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

I think everything good and right in this world should be put on vinyl.

You were not put on this earth just to get in touch with God.

He's such a dragHe's not insaneIt's just that everybodyHas to feel his pain.

Play out the game act well your part and if the gods have blundered we will not.

When a hadeeth is found to be saheeh, then that is my madhhab.

[Something] does not rise to the dignity of error.

You can be an Olympic champion in 9.5 secs, but to be the greatest, there's more to it. It takes a bit of forethought and a lot of mental application.

One of my dreams is to become sufficiently famous that I can play this charity match that happens every year or two with celebrities at Old Trafford, at the house of Manchester United.

My hope is to shed light, provoke thought, entertain, and move through dance.

When you do what you're supposed to do, each door opens up maybe 10-15 other doors.