I was not an attractive child. When I didn't use my Girl Scouts uniform as a uniform, I used it as a tent.

My love life is like a piece of Swiss cheese; most of it's missing, and what's there stinks.

My routines come out of total unhappiness. My audiences are my group therapy.

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.

We don't apologize for a joke. We are comics. We are here to make you laugh. If you don't get it, then don't watch us.

I hate housework! You make the beds, you do the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again.

Thank God we're living in a country where the sky's the limit, the stores are open late and you can shop in bed thanks to television.

I wish I could tell you it gets better. It doesn't get better. YOU get better.

I told my mother-in-law that my house was her house, and she said, 'Get the hell off my property.'

I’m talking about other kinds of hunger. Desire.

Civilization transformed man from a food gatherer to a gatherer of pieces of paper: diplomas, employment contracts, money, etc.

Sometimes one is guided by what they say of themselves, and very frequently by what other people say of them, without giving oneself time to deliberate and judge.

The simplest definition of advertising, and one that will probably meet the test of critical examination, is that advertising is selling in print.

There is this view that if you are not tormented you cannot be vital and creative. I would like to think that is not true.

I love Sherlock Holmes. There's still an awful lot to steal from Conan Doyle. But within a tradition you can work in many different ways.

Potter is piqued with potter, joiner with joiner, beggar begrudges beggar, and singer singer.

Both heaven and hell are within us.

I'll not! The gents are impressed with the way that I'm dressed. I wouldn't change even one spot.

My definition of likeable may be different from other people's. That's not traditional likeable. Sympathy is a different thing [to define it].